Ive been having an extremely hard go these past few months. With all the hospital visits this year, and everything that's going amuck, I just don't know what to do with myself.
#1 Everyone around me is sick/dying. This year alone, I have had 6 people in the hospital, one of which will not be coming home (and one of which, at the time, we didn't think was coming home.) I have never had anyone close to me die *knock on wood* and Matts aunt (who is being kept alive currently entirely by machines), is the closest thing to a family member dying that Ive ever had. Its been a very tough thing to watch. She was fine on Sunday, and then 2 days later, she is completely gone. Its unbelievable. Watching her kids struggle with the decisions that accompany this tragedy is heart breaking. I don't know what I am going to do when I lose a family member. The thought makes me sick most days. My main concerns at this point are my Dad, (whose had 2 heart attacks in the past 2 years, along with a multitude of other medical problems), and my Grandma, (who is starting to forget who we are, and falling down so much, that she broke her pelvis and is now in the hospital and will be for Christmas. Not to mention shes like 87 years old or so.) I dont think I will be able to handle losing them. Its horrifying. It keeps me up at night, it makes me feel physically sick. I sometimes cry. All of this emotion, and at the moment, they are both just fine.
Matt and I are in a horrible way financially. We're working on making it better, but at the moment, it feels like its never going to get better. We canceled cable, we canceled the gym, we cut down our cellphone bill- what else is there? We're just, fucked. Most days we're wondering wtf we're going to eat, or how we're going to get to work the next day since we have no gas in our cars. Matt has some interviews lined up (one job he really wanted may have gotten screwed up at the last moment), and if one of them works out, it'll make life alot easier for us. Plus, I have a job possibly in the works, and if I get it, I'd be matching him in pay... and we'd me making combined... double what we make now combined... and almost 6 figures (combined). Dear god let us get these jobs!
I am also having a really rough go with wanting kids. I really want kids. Im to the point where I almost want to say to hell with it, stop my birth control and just start trying. However, seeing the above paragraph, means that is not an option. We can barely pay our mortgage as is, and adding another $X.XX per month is just not in the cards. Its very frustrating. I am getting exceptionally tired of seeing all the fun things my friends are able to do with their children. Especially around the holidays. Its REALLY hard to listen to around the holidays. Everyone going to the museum to see the trains with their kids, going to the festival of lights with their kids, driving around looking at lights, buying presents, explaining things besides presents they should be thankful for- its very hard to watch everyone around you, doing the things you want to do, but do not have the option of. I have friends who are newly pregnant, and overjoyed to be so (rightfully so), but watching her constant updates about pregnancy, and how excited she is, and all the things she cant wait to do- makes everything unbearable. Receiving pictures of everyone's children as xmas cars, makes getting the mail unbearable. Its got nothing to do with me not being happy for other people. Its got nothing to do with me not loving their children. Its got everything to do with me being jealous that everyone around me seems to have everything I want, and it feeling like its constantly being thrown in my face. Not by my friends, but just by the powers that be.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Blow me 2011
This is the rundown as to why I hate 2011
1) In February, my dad had his second heart attack
2) Then in February, Matts dad ended up with a blood clot and he almost died. He was in the hospital for all of February and all of March. A very scary time.
3) Matts Aunt went to the hospital, she almost died. She had to have heart surgery.
4) Most of these hospital visits were caused by the people smoking, but even so, I cant get Matt to quit smoking.
5) I got a new job. The pay is horrible, and I only make $1000 a month, BUT 500$ a month is what it costs me in gas to get there.
6) My job is 45 minutes from my house, and Im only allowed to work from 1pm (13:00) till 9pm (21:00) and it takes me almost an hour to get to work or get home. So I dont get home until 10pm (22:00) so I only get to see my husband 2 hours a day.
7) I was told when I got this job, I wouldnt have to work Saturday or Sunday- That was a lie. I work Saturday or Sunday... I DO work them. So I cant see my husband on Saturday or Sunday, which are the days he is not working.
8) His job told him last year that they know they dont give him enough money, so they were going to make sure in 2011 he got a big raise. Well it turns out that one of his bosses decided THEY needed a big raise (because $100,000 a year was not enough for him) so Matt didnt get his raise. So we're broke
9)We want to have a baby, but we cant because we cant pay our bills right now because we dont make enough money.
10) I went and tried to get another job, they told me they really liked me and would hire me the next day so to go to work and quit my job. Luckily I didnt quit my job because they never called.
11) We have no money and have to keep asking my parents or Matts parents for money. We've never had to do that before
12) Oma fell down and broke her pelvis and hit her head. She is in the hospital and wont be home for christmas :o(
13) Matts other aunt had a brain Aneurysm (a piece of her brain basically exploded) and now she is in the hospital and not responding. Her brain is dead. She is not going to live.
14) we cant buy anyone Christmas presents this year because we have no money. Its embarrassing
15) I havent seen anything besides my house and my job in 9 months. I feel like Im going crazy
16) Matt is trying to get a new job, and Im worried that if he gets a new job, that they may lay him off (fire him because they cant afford him) and then we will lose our house. We may hate his job now, and he may not make enough money, but at least its a job and we know he has a job
Its been a very bad year.
Lets go back to 2009. That was a great year! Got married, bought a house, went on 3 vacations, got to see my husband more than 2 hours a day, had a little extra money (not alot, but a little). Lets go back to that time!
2012 needs to be ALOT better
1) In February, my dad had his second heart attack
2) Then in February, Matts dad ended up with a blood clot and he almost died. He was in the hospital for all of February and all of March. A very scary time.
3) Matts Aunt went to the hospital, she almost died. She had to have heart surgery.
4) Most of these hospital visits were caused by the people smoking, but even so, I cant get Matt to quit smoking.
5) I got a new job. The pay is horrible, and I only make $1000 a month, BUT 500$ a month is what it costs me in gas to get there.
6) My job is 45 minutes from my house, and Im only allowed to work from 1pm (13:00) till 9pm (21:00) and it takes me almost an hour to get to work or get home. So I dont get home until 10pm (22:00) so I only get to see my husband 2 hours a day.
7) I was told when I got this job, I wouldnt have to work Saturday or Sunday- That was a lie. I work Saturday or Sunday... I DO work them. So I cant see my husband on Saturday or Sunday, which are the days he is not working.
8) His job told him last year that they know they dont give him enough money, so they were going to make sure in 2011 he got a big raise. Well it turns out that one of his bosses decided THEY needed a big raise (because $100,000 a year was not enough for him) so Matt didnt get his raise. So we're broke
9)We want to have a baby, but we cant because we cant pay our bills right now because we dont make enough money.
10) I went and tried to get another job, they told me they really liked me and would hire me the next day so to go to work and quit my job. Luckily I didnt quit my job because they never called.
11) We have no money and have to keep asking my parents or Matts parents for money. We've never had to do that before
12) Oma fell down and broke her pelvis and hit her head. She is in the hospital and wont be home for christmas :o(
13) Matts other aunt had a brain Aneurysm (a piece of her brain basically exploded) and now she is in the hospital and not responding. Her brain is dead. She is not going to live.
14) we cant buy anyone Christmas presents this year because we have no money. Its embarrassing
15) I havent seen anything besides my house and my job in 9 months. I feel like Im going crazy
16) Matt is trying to get a new job, and Im worried that if he gets a new job, that they may lay him off (fire him because they cant afford him) and then we will lose our house. We may hate his job now, and he may not make enough money, but at least its a job and we know he has a job
Its been a very bad year.
Lets go back to 2009. That was a great year! Got married, bought a house, went on 3 vacations, got to see my husband more than 2 hours a day, had a little extra money (not alot, but a little). Lets go back to that time!
2012 needs to be ALOT better
Monday, February 28, 2011
Yeah
Im bouting some seriously bad depression right now. So much so its hard to muster the will to type. Im going to bed
Sunday, January 30, 2011
A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked
I miss having friends.
There was a time when I had friends. But those days are lloonggg gone. Its not that Ive fought with them, we've just grown apart.
There are the majority of them, who have children. Now, do I dislike the children? No, its nothing like that. But as some of you may know, being the only friend without children is not an easy thing to do. Its not anyones fault that having children is time consuming.It is, I know it is, you know it is, we all know it is. Not a big deal. But it becomes frustrating, when you DO get to see these people, that the only topic of conversation is children, and what the children are doing, and what the children ate that day, and the consistency and color of their bowel movement, and how unbelievably smart the child is, and how they are the only person who knows how to properly parent children, everyone else is just nuts. You can see where Im going with this. So basically, you sit me in a large group of women, presumably they all have children, and I am 100% left out of the conversation. Even at my own house or my own party. So seeing friends physically, is not the same as verbally. Just because you're standing in front of me, doesn't mean I got to spend time with you. This is not directed at anyone in particular, its just generalized. I feel ostracized from people I used to be friends with.
If the problem isnt the afore mentioned, its a basic fact of, we are very different, or we lead far to different of lives. Like, some of my newer friends, we are very different. We have very different views, and cannot seem to find a really common ground on which to stand. Then I have my more veteran friends, who, anymore, have decided that our friendship is to be put on the back burner for other frivolous activities. I dont understand what has suddenly happened. One min, we go shopping 2-3 times a week, and out to lunch, and dinner and such, and the next min, they are playing role play games and visiting absurd websites allll day in their free time. Hanging out with people Ive never heard of (yet they claim to have known for years.) Its like getting them to even speak to me anymore is like pulling teeth. Its very disheartening to know that a best friend can slip away THAT easily. Im still not too sure what has happened. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things have changed.
Then there was a previous friend that came back into my life, and left again as quickly as the came. We hadnt spoken in almost 8 years. They stepped back in very quickly, and I could sense we were still, in a word, feeling eachother out to see how this would go. We ended things many years ago on a bad note, and had discussed how we had grown since then, and were willing to give it another shot. This person had moved near me, and I decided to take a weekly class with them, to try get the friendship kick started again. Everything was smooth sailing when I would pick them up, take them places, take them to class, pay for things, etc. But then one day, they moved back to our home town, started hanging out with a specific person I thought we had moved on from, and I havent heard from them since. Again... whiplash.
Then there are the people I used to be friends with, but havent spoken with in years. This is a VERY large list. Some are people I have fought with in the past and they have refused reconcile, and others who, Ive just grown wwaayy to far from. (ie; people who refuse to grow up, while I continue to mature.) I had one friend in particular, that, we were extremely close. I hadnt had a friend that close in a VERY long time. I could call and tell them anything, and I felt completely comfortable with them. We remained close, even living one apartment from eachother, for a long time. I had a key to their apartment, they had a key to mine, and it was some of the best times of my life. Then one day it all changed, and I still have yet to figure out what happened. This person came out of the closet to me one day, and after realizing it didnt change my opinion of them, the friendship went on. After a while, they started dating someone, and even tho I had met this person face to face, I was lied to, time and time again, that this was not their S/O, this was the S/O's sibling. Then one day, they finally admitted the truth. I was a bit confused, because, I had already verified that sexual orientation made no difference to me. I brushed it off, became friends with the S/O and life was good for a short time. Then, one day, this person got a new job. They started working 3rd shift, and that was when the problems began. I would call, and set up dates to go out and get lunch, or hang out, or shop, or whatever. When those times came around, this person wouldnt show up, and wouldnt pick up their phone. When I would call back at a later time, they would pick up, and claim to have been sleeping. They would then complain to me about another friend of theirs, and how horrible she was. I was given a list of this persons short-comings, and told they were considering ending the friendship with this person. Then one day, I was informed, that it was not the other friend they had been talking about, but me. They basically, spent several weeks, telling me what they felt my short-comings were, and claiming they were speaking about someone else. They removed all forms of communication from me, and passed along the reasoning through a mutual friend. "Lindsey had really great ideas that she doesnt follow through on, and it makes me sad to watch, and I cant be around that." To this day, I have no idea whatever went wrong, and it makes me extremely sad.
Finally, we have the "fair weather friends." These are the friends who, will call me to watch their children, or come to a birthday party or shower (assuming gifts are involved) or call to have Matt fix something electronic in their home. But other than that, these people would rather I/we not exist. I cannot tell you how many times, we have done things for other people, for free, and gone above and beyond for them, only to get nothing in return. We dont want monetary things, we dont want possessions, we want companionship. Its very sad that, in light of all the things Ive done for people, and sacrificed for people, that, not a one could come to my shower, or my bachelorette party, or wedding. At my bridal shower, my bridal party-1 +1 is all that showed up. At my bachelorette party, it was the same story, but -2 +1. My shower, the only other people to show up were family, mostly matts family, some of mine didnt even bother to show up, and they all left before the shower was supposed to be over. Then there was the Bachelorette party, were 17 people were invited... but 5 showed up. What an awesome bunch of people I know. But dont you worry, Im sure I will continue to get calls every several months or so, to fix something for them, or have Matt fix something, or invited to a shower for them.... but I;m still expected to show up. Well you know what? Screw it. Im done.
It just depresses me when I see tight nit groups of friends, or see people who are great friends in movies, because I dont have that. And any time I did have that, it was short lived. I never got to do the "crazy road trips" or "crazy party nights" because my friends all started breeding very young. And while Ive been able to resist that trend thus far, in hopes that this miraculous group of friends will suddenly appear, it seems I am waiting for a miracle.
There was a time when I had friends. But those days are lloonggg gone. Its not that Ive fought with them, we've just grown apart.
There are the majority of them, who have children. Now, do I dislike the children? No, its nothing like that. But as some of you may know, being the only friend without children is not an easy thing to do. Its not anyones fault that having children is time consuming.It is, I know it is, you know it is, we all know it is. Not a big deal. But it becomes frustrating, when you DO get to see these people, that the only topic of conversation is children, and what the children are doing, and what the children ate that day, and the consistency and color of their bowel movement, and how unbelievably smart the child is, and how they are the only person who knows how to properly parent children, everyone else is just nuts. You can see where Im going with this. So basically, you sit me in a large group of women, presumably they all have children, and I am 100% left out of the conversation. Even at my own house or my own party. So seeing friends physically, is not the same as verbally. Just because you're standing in front of me, doesn't mean I got to spend time with you. This is not directed at anyone in particular, its just generalized. I feel ostracized from people I used to be friends with.
If the problem isnt the afore mentioned, its a basic fact of, we are very different, or we lead far to different of lives. Like, some of my newer friends, we are very different. We have very different views, and cannot seem to find a really common ground on which to stand. Then I have my more veteran friends, who, anymore, have decided that our friendship is to be put on the back burner for other frivolous activities. I dont understand what has suddenly happened. One min, we go shopping 2-3 times a week, and out to lunch, and dinner and such, and the next min, they are playing role play games and visiting absurd websites allll day in their free time. Hanging out with people Ive never heard of (yet they claim to have known for years.) Its like getting them to even speak to me anymore is like pulling teeth. Its very disheartening to know that a best friend can slip away THAT easily. Im still not too sure what has happened. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things have changed.
Then there was a previous friend that came back into my life, and left again as quickly as the came. We hadnt spoken in almost 8 years. They stepped back in very quickly, and I could sense we were still, in a word, feeling eachother out to see how this would go. We ended things many years ago on a bad note, and had discussed how we had grown since then, and were willing to give it another shot. This person had moved near me, and I decided to take a weekly class with them, to try get the friendship kick started again. Everything was smooth sailing when I would pick them up, take them places, take them to class, pay for things, etc. But then one day, they moved back to our home town, started hanging out with a specific person I thought we had moved on from, and I havent heard from them since. Again... whiplash.
Then there are the people I used to be friends with, but havent spoken with in years. This is a VERY large list. Some are people I have fought with in the past and they have refused reconcile, and others who, Ive just grown wwaayy to far from. (ie; people who refuse to grow up, while I continue to mature.) I had one friend in particular, that, we were extremely close. I hadnt had a friend that close in a VERY long time. I could call and tell them anything, and I felt completely comfortable with them. We remained close, even living one apartment from eachother, for a long time. I had a key to their apartment, they had a key to mine, and it was some of the best times of my life. Then one day it all changed, and I still have yet to figure out what happened. This person came out of the closet to me one day, and after realizing it didnt change my opinion of them, the friendship went on. After a while, they started dating someone, and even tho I had met this person face to face, I was lied to, time and time again, that this was not their S/O, this was the S/O's sibling. Then one day, they finally admitted the truth. I was a bit confused, because, I had already verified that sexual orientation made no difference to me. I brushed it off, became friends with the S/O and life was good for a short time. Then, one day, this person got a new job. They started working 3rd shift, and that was when the problems began. I would call, and set up dates to go out and get lunch, or hang out, or shop, or whatever. When those times came around, this person wouldnt show up, and wouldnt pick up their phone. When I would call back at a later time, they would pick up, and claim to have been sleeping. They would then complain to me about another friend of theirs, and how horrible she was. I was given a list of this persons short-comings, and told they were considering ending the friendship with this person. Then one day, I was informed, that it was not the other friend they had been talking about, but me. They basically, spent several weeks, telling me what they felt my short-comings were, and claiming they were speaking about someone else. They removed all forms of communication from me, and passed along the reasoning through a mutual friend. "Lindsey had really great ideas that she doesnt follow through on, and it makes me sad to watch, and I cant be around that." To this day, I have no idea whatever went wrong, and it makes me extremely sad.
Finally, we have the "fair weather friends." These are the friends who, will call me to watch their children, or come to a birthday party or shower (assuming gifts are involved) or call to have Matt fix something electronic in their home. But other than that, these people would rather I/we not exist. I cannot tell you how many times, we have done things for other people, for free, and gone above and beyond for them, only to get nothing in return. We dont want monetary things, we dont want possessions, we want companionship. Its very sad that, in light of all the things Ive done for people, and sacrificed for people, that, not a one could come to my shower, or my bachelorette party, or wedding. At my bridal shower, my bridal party-1 +1 is all that showed up. At my bachelorette party, it was the same story, but -2 +1. My shower, the only other people to show up were family, mostly matts family, some of mine didnt even bother to show up, and they all left before the shower was supposed to be over. Then there was the Bachelorette party, were 17 people were invited... but 5 showed up. What an awesome bunch of people I know. But dont you worry, Im sure I will continue to get calls every several months or so, to fix something for them, or have Matt fix something, or invited to a shower for them.... but I;m still expected to show up. Well you know what? Screw it. Im done.
It just depresses me when I see tight nit groups of friends, or see people who are great friends in movies, because I dont have that. And any time I did have that, it was short lived. I never got to do the "crazy road trips" or "crazy party nights" because my friends all started breeding very young. And while Ive been able to resist that trend thus far, in hopes that this miraculous group of friends will suddenly appear, it seems I am waiting for a miracle.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A few things Im thankful for:
Just because I feel like sharing:
Thank you to the girl at the Starbucks on Columbia Parkway. I made a comment during my order that I had a bad day at work and needed a hot chocolate to bring my spirits up. You then sold me a cupcake and gave me my hot chocolate for free. It genuinely made my day better. I would have called and commented to your boss or to Starbucks in general about how sincerely great and nice you are, but didnt want it to get you in trouble for giving me something for free. Just know, I genuinely appreciated it.
Thank you to whichever one of my neighbors shoveled my walk way, and scraped my windshield. I thought it was Matt that had done it. He thought I had shoveled the walk way. When we realized that neither of us had done that, we were both very please that we have been, in a word, inducted, into our neighborhood, offically. (*tho, I think it may have something to do with the xmas cookies I provided*)
Thank you to my new co-workers for accepting me with open arms. I have never felt invited into a place I worked so openly and instantly.
Im thankful my dad survived his second heart attack; and I pray there is no third.
I am thankful for my dog Violet. I could not have picked a more perfect dog for us. Shes the best.
Im thankful I have an unbelievably understanding husband. Who, no matter what, will be on my side at the end of the day. That we can talk about anything under the sun, and will always take eachothers side no matter how much we disagree. He is there when I need him, till the end.
Im thankful that I see my life the way I do. I have my very dark times, and my very light times, but in the end, Im glad I am living the way I want to, and not the way people tell me I should be living. I dont have kids, and I dont want any yet. I dont do drugs, because I dont want to. I dont take the antidepressants I should because I dont want to. Im strong enough to know what I want and what I need are two completely different things.
I am thankful for my house. I may hate it.... I may hate how small it is, and all the problems it has, and how much money its costing me to fix those problems, and how I wish it was in a different state, and how when we sell it, we're going to make... oh... right around 0$ on it... but at the end of the day... its MY house. Its something Matt and I worked for. We worked hard for it, and we continue to work hard for it, and I can be proud of it. There arent too many people my age that have actual houses that they own. Im glad I am one of the fortunate few.
Im thankful I have a relationship with my husband, that he can say things like "that girl is stacked" and I can talk about the unforgivable things I would do to some people, and we can just laugh about it. At the end of the day, its us against the world, and we know it.
Have you thought about what YOU are thankful for lately?
Thank you to the girl at the Starbucks on Columbia Parkway. I made a comment during my order that I had a bad day at work and needed a hot chocolate to bring my spirits up. You then sold me a cupcake and gave me my hot chocolate for free. It genuinely made my day better. I would have called and commented to your boss or to Starbucks in general about how sincerely great and nice you are, but didnt want it to get you in trouble for giving me something for free. Just know, I genuinely appreciated it.
Thank you to whichever one of my neighbors shoveled my walk way, and scraped my windshield. I thought it was Matt that had done it. He thought I had shoveled the walk way. When we realized that neither of us had done that, we were both very please that we have been, in a word, inducted, into our neighborhood, offically. (*tho, I think it may have something to do with the xmas cookies I provided*)
Thank you to my new co-workers for accepting me with open arms. I have never felt invited into a place I worked so openly and instantly.
Im thankful my dad survived his second heart attack; and I pray there is no third.
I am thankful for my dog Violet. I could not have picked a more perfect dog for us. Shes the best.
Im thankful I have an unbelievably understanding husband. Who, no matter what, will be on my side at the end of the day. That we can talk about anything under the sun, and will always take eachothers side no matter how much we disagree. He is there when I need him, till the end.
Im thankful that I see my life the way I do. I have my very dark times, and my very light times, but in the end, Im glad I am living the way I want to, and not the way people tell me I should be living. I dont have kids, and I dont want any yet. I dont do drugs, because I dont want to. I dont take the antidepressants I should because I dont want to. Im strong enough to know what I want and what I need are two completely different things.
I am thankful for my house. I may hate it.... I may hate how small it is, and all the problems it has, and how much money its costing me to fix those problems, and how I wish it was in a different state, and how when we sell it, we're going to make... oh... right around 0$ on it... but at the end of the day... its MY house. Its something Matt and I worked for. We worked hard for it, and we continue to work hard for it, and I can be proud of it. There arent too many people my age that have actual houses that they own. Im glad I am one of the fortunate few.
Im thankful I have a relationship with my husband, that he can say things like "that girl is stacked" and I can talk about the unforgivable things I would do to some people, and we can just laugh about it. At the end of the day, its us against the world, and we know it.
Have you thought about what YOU are thankful for lately?
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