The second list of things they never tell you... Ready...... TallyHo!
Recovery after vaginal delivery is everything you think it will be, and nothing you think it will be.
And before we begin, I just want you to remember, Im not trying to scare you, Im trying to prepare you. Also, Im a bit of a wimp. Just sayin'.
I was sure that my vag was going to feel like it had been driven through by a Mac truck. It didnt. Honestly. What DID hurt like hell, was my Episiotomy. But again, it didnt hurt the way I had expected. It felt more like I had a prolapsed ass than a sliced open vag. It felt like my butt was inside out. Not so bad when you're sitting still ,but stand up from sitting and you will probably want to die. They will give you Percocet for the pain, and it does help, but it doesnt make the pain completely go away, it just makes it tolerable. Try rolling over in your bed... that makes you wanna die too! Every time they would ask me "What hurts?" (they have to ask what hurts and how bad every time they give you a hard drug like percocet, so be ready to answer it every 4 hours) I would tell them my ass. It sounds less um... I dont know exactly, but less than saying "My Taint hurts".
Another thing no one tells you... Ripping/Tearing doesnt always happen down. Unfortunately for some of us, you can also rip up. This includes your *ahem* fun button. Yes, Your clit can rip. And it is the slowest healing thing on the fucking planet. I told them that even though I was numb, I was feeling something rip. I thought it was just her nose pressing against skin, it felt like being poked with a sharp pencil. Not painful, but I knew it was happeneing, though I wasnt sure what was happening. It wasnt until a week later I realize what had happened. You're probably wondering how on earth it took me a week to realize my clit was ripped/hurt.... and we'll get to that. As of now, we're 6 weeks out, and It still huts when I wipe, but its far from intolerable. And yes, before you ask, it still works :o)
The reason I didnt realize for a week is this.... You may, on top of all else, get a UTI during recovery. I got one, may people have gotten them, and they are terrible. You will get a catheter at least once after delivery, possibly twice- because the last thing to regain feeling in your body after an epidural is your bladder. So they empty it immediately after birth, and again several hours later. Now, Catheters are sterile items, but your vag isnt. Its had all kinds of foreign stuff in/around it in the last 12/24 hours, and there is a VERY good chance (almost a guarantee) that you will not have showered. So before you go blaming your nurse for giving you a UTI, just remember, chances are its your own germs that did it. So on top of the prolapsed anus feeling, you may also be peeing needles. FFUUNNN.
Immediately after the baby comes out and you are swen up (if you need sewing) they will eventually give you a new clean jumbo pad (the ones the size of baking dish) and they will put you in the best/worst thing ever. Mesh underpants. Dont worry about your size when you see them. I took one look at them and asked if they came in a bigger size. They stretch like you would not believe. They put a few of these in your room and a few of the big jumbo pads too. Use them. Use them use them use them. You will be bleeding at a rate you didnt know you could survive through. When you stand up, it will feel like you're peeing your pants, only its all blood. Also, as a side note, this is when whats left of your marital dignity will go out the window. Ive always tried to maintain a certain level of privacy in our marriage when it comes to the bathroom. Now dont get me wrong, I will give him every gory detail of my latest food baby, but I dont really discuss periods or pee with the door open and neither does he. When we were in the hospital, I had to pee. It had been 2 days since Robin was born, I hadnt showered since, I was wearing see through mesh underpants with a baking dish size pad and a robe that was open in the back. I told Matt "Ive always tried to remain a sliver of dignity in our marriage, but right now, I dont give a fuck." I waddled to the bathroom bare assed and laughed a little while I did it. So even though there will be the worlds largest crime scene in your pants, just let it do and do what you need to. Your husband probably saw the worst of it in delivery anyway.
This may not be true of all hospitals, but bring your own food! Down the hall from our room was a room for patients that had a fridge in it. Had we know that, I would have brought lunch meat or something. The food they bring patients is so flavorless, its like water taste. I had chicken, broccoli, and a rice of some sort- and it all tasted the same. Awful. Luckily for me, since I was in the hospital for Thanksgiving, I had Matt bring me leftovers from his familys meal, so I had at least one night where I ate like a king. Other than that I basically starved to death. Also, bring bottles of water because they dont bring you nearly enough to drink! THEN they get mad you dont pee enough. Its a vicious cycle.
Another big thing... USE THE NURSERY!!! I went into this thinking "Im going to have the baby in my room the whole time, no one will take her away, yadda yadda". After I had been awake for 42 hours, I couldnt take it anymore. She was asleep, Matt was asleep and snoring, and I was at the end of my rope. I put on some pajama pants, waddled my ass down the hallway with her to the nursery, and cried. Since I still had no breastmilk I couldnt feed her, so they said they would take her and feed her a bottle in 3 hours and then she would go back to sleep. You're allowed to have them give the baby one bottle while you're there, just make sure you use it at night so you can get sleep! That was the first night I got 6 straight hours of sleep, and what a difference it made! I also sent her down during the day a few times so I could take a nap, but naps are impossible because people will not leave you the hell alone.
I understand the
