Ive been having an extremely hard go these past few months. With all the hospital visits this year, and everything that's going amuck, I just don't know what to do with myself.
#1 Everyone around me is sick/dying. This year alone, I have had 6 people in the hospital, one of which will not be coming home (and one of which, at the time, we didn't think was coming home.) I have never had anyone close to me die *knock on wood* and Matts aunt (who is being kept alive currently entirely by machines), is the closest thing to a family member dying that Ive ever had. Its been a very tough thing to watch. She was fine on Sunday, and then 2 days later, she is completely gone. Its unbelievable. Watching her kids struggle with the decisions that accompany this tragedy is heart breaking. I don't know what I am going to do when I lose a family member. The thought makes me sick most days. My main concerns at this point are my Dad, (whose had 2 heart attacks in the past 2 years, along with a multitude of other medical problems), and my Grandma, (who is starting to forget who we are, and falling down so much, that she broke her pelvis and is now in the hospital and will be for Christmas. Not to mention shes like 87 years old or so.) I dont think I will be able to handle losing them. Its horrifying. It keeps me up at night, it makes me feel physically sick. I sometimes cry. All of this emotion, and at the moment, they are both just fine.
Matt and I are in a horrible way financially. We're working on making it better, but at the moment, it feels like its never going to get better. We canceled cable, we canceled the gym, we cut down our cellphone bill- what else is there? We're just, fucked. Most days we're wondering wtf we're going to eat, or how we're going to get to work the next day since we have no gas in our cars. Matt has some interviews lined up (one job he really wanted may have gotten screwed up at the last moment), and if one of them works out, it'll make life alot easier for us. Plus, I have a job possibly in the works, and if I get it, I'd be matching him in pay... and we'd me making combined... double what we make now combined... and almost 6 figures (combined). Dear god let us get these jobs!
I am also having a really rough go with wanting kids. I really want kids. Im to the point where I almost want to say to hell with it, stop my birth control and just start trying. However, seeing the above paragraph, means that is not an option. We can barely pay our mortgage as is, and adding another $X.XX per month is just not in the cards. Its very frustrating. I am getting exceptionally tired of seeing all the fun things my friends are able to do with their children. Especially around the holidays. Its REALLY hard to listen to around the holidays. Everyone going to the museum to see the trains with their kids, going to the festival of lights with their kids, driving around looking at lights, buying presents, explaining things besides presents they should be thankful for- its very hard to watch everyone around you, doing the things you want to do, but do not have the option of. I have friends who are newly pregnant, and overjoyed to be so (rightfully so), but watching her constant updates about pregnancy, and how excited she is, and all the things she cant wait to do- makes everything unbearable. Receiving pictures of everyone's children as xmas cars, makes getting the mail unbearable. Its got nothing to do with me not being happy for other people. Its got nothing to do with me not loving their children. Its got everything to do with me being jealous that everyone around me seems to have everything I want, and it feeling like its constantly being thrown in my face. Not by my friends, but just by the powers that be.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Blow me 2011
This is the rundown as to why I hate 2011
1) In February, my dad had his second heart attack
2) Then in February, Matts dad ended up with a blood clot and he almost died. He was in the hospital for all of February and all of March. A very scary time.
3) Matts Aunt went to the hospital, she almost died. She had to have heart surgery.
4) Most of these hospital visits were caused by the people smoking, but even so, I cant get Matt to quit smoking.
5) I got a new job. The pay is horrible, and I only make $1000 a month, BUT 500$ a month is what it costs me in gas to get there.
6) My job is 45 minutes from my house, and Im only allowed to work from 1pm (13:00) till 9pm (21:00) and it takes me almost an hour to get to work or get home. So I dont get home until 10pm (22:00) so I only get to see my husband 2 hours a day.
7) I was told when I got this job, I wouldnt have to work Saturday or Sunday- That was a lie. I work Saturday or Sunday... I DO work them. So I cant see my husband on Saturday or Sunday, which are the days he is not working.
8) His job told him last year that they know they dont give him enough money, so they were going to make sure in 2011 he got a big raise. Well it turns out that one of his bosses decided THEY needed a big raise (because $100,000 a year was not enough for him) so Matt didnt get his raise. So we're broke
9)We want to have a baby, but we cant because we cant pay our bills right now because we dont make enough money.
10) I went and tried to get another job, they told me they really liked me and would hire me the next day so to go to work and quit my job. Luckily I didnt quit my job because they never called.
11) We have no money and have to keep asking my parents or Matts parents for money. We've never had to do that before
12) Oma fell down and broke her pelvis and hit her head. She is in the hospital and wont be home for christmas :o(
13) Matts other aunt had a brain Aneurysm (a piece of her brain basically exploded) and now she is in the hospital and not responding. Her brain is dead. She is not going to live.
14) we cant buy anyone Christmas presents this year because we have no money. Its embarrassing
15) I havent seen anything besides my house and my job in 9 months. I feel like Im going crazy
16) Matt is trying to get a new job, and Im worried that if he gets a new job, that they may lay him off (fire him because they cant afford him) and then we will lose our house. We may hate his job now, and he may not make enough money, but at least its a job and we know he has a job
Its been a very bad year.
Lets go back to 2009. That was a great year! Got married, bought a house, went on 3 vacations, got to see my husband more than 2 hours a day, had a little extra money (not alot, but a little). Lets go back to that time!
2012 needs to be ALOT better
1) In February, my dad had his second heart attack
2) Then in February, Matts dad ended up with a blood clot and he almost died. He was in the hospital for all of February and all of March. A very scary time.
3) Matts Aunt went to the hospital, she almost died. She had to have heart surgery.
4) Most of these hospital visits were caused by the people smoking, but even so, I cant get Matt to quit smoking.
5) I got a new job. The pay is horrible, and I only make $1000 a month, BUT 500$ a month is what it costs me in gas to get there.
6) My job is 45 minutes from my house, and Im only allowed to work from 1pm (13:00) till 9pm (21:00) and it takes me almost an hour to get to work or get home. So I dont get home until 10pm (22:00) so I only get to see my husband 2 hours a day.
7) I was told when I got this job, I wouldnt have to work Saturday or Sunday- That was a lie. I work Saturday or Sunday... I DO work them. So I cant see my husband on Saturday or Sunday, which are the days he is not working.
8) His job told him last year that they know they dont give him enough money, so they were going to make sure in 2011 he got a big raise. Well it turns out that one of his bosses decided THEY needed a big raise (because $100,000 a year was not enough for him) so Matt didnt get his raise. So we're broke
9)We want to have a baby, but we cant because we cant pay our bills right now because we dont make enough money.
10) I went and tried to get another job, they told me they really liked me and would hire me the next day so to go to work and quit my job. Luckily I didnt quit my job because they never called.
11) We have no money and have to keep asking my parents or Matts parents for money. We've never had to do that before
12) Oma fell down and broke her pelvis and hit her head. She is in the hospital and wont be home for christmas :o(
13) Matts other aunt had a brain Aneurysm (a piece of her brain basically exploded) and now she is in the hospital and not responding. Her brain is dead. She is not going to live.
14) we cant buy anyone Christmas presents this year because we have no money. Its embarrassing
15) I havent seen anything besides my house and my job in 9 months. I feel like Im going crazy
16) Matt is trying to get a new job, and Im worried that if he gets a new job, that they may lay him off (fire him because they cant afford him) and then we will lose our house. We may hate his job now, and he may not make enough money, but at least its a job and we know he has a job
Its been a very bad year.
Lets go back to 2009. That was a great year! Got married, bought a house, went on 3 vacations, got to see my husband more than 2 hours a day, had a little extra money (not alot, but a little). Lets go back to that time!
2012 needs to be ALOT better
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