I miss having friends.
There was a time when I had friends. But those days are lloonggg gone. Its not that Ive fought with them, we've just grown apart.
There are the majority of them, who have children. Now, do I dislike the children? No, its nothing like that. But as some of you may know, being the only friend without children is not an easy thing to do. Its not anyones fault that having children is time consuming.It is, I know it is, you know it is, we all know it is. Not a big deal. But it becomes frustrating, when you DO get to see these people, that the only topic of conversation is children, and what the children are doing, and what the children ate that day, and the consistency and color of their bowel movement, and how unbelievably smart the child is, and how they are the only person who knows how to properly parent children, everyone else is just nuts. You can see where Im going with this. So basically, you sit me in a large group of women, presumably they all have children, and I am 100% left out of the conversation. Even at my own house or my own party. So seeing friends physically, is not the same as verbally. Just because you're standing in front of me, doesn't mean I got to spend time with you. This is not directed at anyone in particular, its just generalized. I feel ostracized from people I used to be friends with.
If the problem isnt the afore mentioned, its a basic fact of, we are very different, or we lead far to different of lives. Like, some of my newer friends, we are very different. We have very different views, and cannot seem to find a really common ground on which to stand. Then I have my more veteran friends, who, anymore, have decided that our friendship is to be put on the back burner for other frivolous activities. I dont understand what has suddenly happened. One min, we go shopping 2-3 times a week, and out to lunch, and dinner and such, and the next min, they are playing role play games and visiting absurd websites allll day in their free time. Hanging out with people Ive never heard of (yet they claim to have known for years.) Its like getting them to even speak to me anymore is like pulling teeth. Its very disheartening to know that a best friend can slip away THAT easily. Im still not too sure what has happened. I feel like I have whiplash from how quickly things have changed.
Then there was a previous friend that came back into my life, and left again as quickly as the came. We hadnt spoken in almost 8 years. They stepped back in very quickly, and I could sense we were still, in a word, feeling eachother out to see how this would go. We ended things many years ago on a bad note, and had discussed how we had grown since then, and were willing to give it another shot. This person had moved near me, and I decided to take a weekly class with them, to try get the friendship kick started again. Everything was smooth sailing when I would pick them up, take them places, take them to class, pay for things, etc. But then one day, they moved back to our home town, started hanging out with a specific person I thought we had moved on from, and I havent heard from them since. Again... whiplash.
Then there are the people I used to be friends with, but havent spoken with in years. This is a VERY large list. Some are people I have fought with in the past and they have refused reconcile, and others who, Ive just grown wwaayy to far from. (ie; people who refuse to grow up, while I continue to mature.) I had one friend in particular, that, we were extremely close. I hadnt had a friend that close in a VERY long time. I could call and tell them anything, and I felt completely comfortable with them. We remained close, even living one apartment from eachother, for a long time. I had a key to their apartment, they had a key to mine, and it was some of the best times of my life. Then one day it all changed, and I still have yet to figure out what happened. This person came out of the closet to me one day, and after realizing it didnt change my opinion of them, the friendship went on. After a while, they started dating someone, and even tho I had met this person face to face, I was lied to, time and time again, that this was not their S/O, this was the S/O's sibling. Then one day, they finally admitted the truth. I was a bit confused, because, I had already verified that sexual orientation made no difference to me. I brushed it off, became friends with the S/O and life was good for a short time. Then, one day, this person got a new job. They started working 3rd shift, and that was when the problems began. I would call, and set up dates to go out and get lunch, or hang out, or shop, or whatever. When those times came around, this person wouldnt show up, and wouldnt pick up their phone. When I would call back at a later time, they would pick up, and claim to have been sleeping. They would then complain to me about another friend of theirs, and how horrible she was. I was given a list of this persons short-comings, and told they were considering ending the friendship with this person. Then one day, I was informed, that it was not the other friend they had been talking about, but me. They basically, spent several weeks, telling me what they felt my short-comings were, and claiming they were speaking about someone else. They removed all forms of communication from me, and passed along the reasoning through a mutual friend. "Lindsey had really great ideas that she doesnt follow through on, and it makes me sad to watch, and I cant be around that." To this day, I have no idea whatever went wrong, and it makes me extremely sad.
Finally, we have the "fair weather friends." These are the friends who, will call me to watch their children, or come to a birthday party or shower (assuming gifts are involved) or call to have Matt fix something electronic in their home. But other than that, these people would rather I/we not exist. I cannot tell you how many times, we have done things for other people, for free, and gone above and beyond for them, only to get nothing in return. We dont want monetary things, we dont want possessions, we want companionship. Its very sad that, in light of all the things Ive done for people, and sacrificed for people, that, not a one could come to my shower, or my bachelorette party, or wedding. At my bridal shower, my bridal party-1 +1 is all that showed up. At my bachelorette party, it was the same story, but -2 +1. My shower, the only other people to show up were family, mostly matts family, some of mine didnt even bother to show up, and they all left before the shower was supposed to be over. Then there was the Bachelorette party, were 17 people were invited... but 5 showed up. What an awesome bunch of people I know. But dont you worry, Im sure I will continue to get calls every several months or so, to fix something for them, or have Matt fix something, or invited to a shower for them.... but I;m still expected to show up. Well you know what? Screw it. Im done.
It just depresses me when I see tight nit groups of friends, or see people who are great friends in movies, because I dont have that. And any time I did have that, it was short lived. I never got to do the "crazy road trips" or "crazy party nights" because my friends all started breeding very young. And while Ive been able to resist that trend thus far, in hopes that this miraculous group of friends will suddenly appear, it seems I am waiting for a miracle.
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