Being unemployed and broke leads me to an over abundance of time inside my own head. This is never a good thing. Matt often tells me "I think you think you think too much", which is a very true statement.
I thought I was going to make it all the way through this pregnancy without being one of those crazy emotional women you always see portrayed. Emotional, crying over everything, being generally hysterical or on the verge of hysterics. I apparently was incorrect.
We left on vacation a little more than a week ago, and before we had even made it out of our neighborhood, I was sobbing hysterically over leaving the dog. I maintain this was not ALL pregnancy hormone related because every time we've left her to go on vacation, Ive gotten misty eyed, it just never manifested into a full on sobbing session.
Then, immediately upon arrival at our vacation destination, I had not eaten in more than 12 hours (not good for being 6 months pregnant.) We dont usually eat fast food, but Matts parents were grocery shopping, it was late, and I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier each passing second- so we went to Wendys. I ordered 2 Jr Bacon Cheeseburgers. We waited and waited and finally the woman comes to the window and says "sorry, we're out of bacon so we're making more, it will just be a few min." So we pull up away from the window and wait. 20 min go by and I start sobbing hysterically that I have to wait for this bacon and these sandwiches when all I want to do is be out of the car. Thats when I knew for sure it was hormones and laughed at how incredibly stupid I sounded. Luckily I have an awesome husband that knows just when to keep other people away from me so I dont verbally assault them.
Unfortunately, these horrible hormones have also caused me to slop into a really stupid cycle of depression and over thinking that can only be cured with time and some stalking. I know that sounds nuts, but its true. Something Matt said on our vacation (a bit of over sharing on his part) has led me down a rabbit hole of too much thinking and delving into things that dont need to be delved into. Its causing me to bring up things from the past that are better left alone. Things that no one is thinking of but me, and if I bring them up, could cause feelings in others that dont need to be brought up. Unfortunately, for me there is possibly no closure in this situation, and may never be. It not my past and its not really got anything to do with me, but I cant get it out of my head. Thats something that weighs on anyone, especially a hormonal crazy pregnant person. And another thing that sucks, is if I were to talk to anyone about it, I would surely go into hysterics and scare the shit out of them. Crying like an infant.
All I know is, Im so over being hormonal. While I've never been a super happy person ( definitely have my spells of super happy, but they are dotted with spells of suicidal depression.) but Ive definitely never dwelled on this subject until now, and I dont like it weighing on my mind with the impending new arrival. I feel like I should be happier ALL the time, and not just here and there.
