Struggling.

Ive been having an extremely hard go these past few months. With all the hospital visits this year, and everything that's going amuck, I just don't know what to do with myself.

#1 Everyone around me is sick/dying. This year alone, I have had 6 people in the hospital, one of which will not be coming home (and one of which, at the time, we didn't think was coming home.) I have never had anyone close to me die *knock on wood* and Matts aunt (who is being kept alive currently entirely by machines), is the closest thing to a family member dying that Ive ever had. Its been a very tough thing to watch. She was fine on Sunday, and then 2 days later, she is completely gone. Its unbelievable. Watching her kids struggle with the decisions that accompany this tragedy is heart breaking. I don't know what I am going to do when I lose a family member. The thought makes me sick most days. My main concerns at this point are my Dad, (whose had 2 heart attacks in the past 2 years, along with a multitude of other medical problems), and my Grandma, (who is starting to forget who we are, and falling down so much, that she broke her pelvis and is now in the hospital and will be for Christmas. Not to mention shes like 87 years old or so.) I dont think I will be able to handle losing them. Its horrifying. It keeps me up at night, it makes me feel physically sick. I sometimes cry. All of this emotion, and at the moment, they are both just fine.

Matt and I are in a horrible way financially. We're working on making it better, but at the moment, it feels like its never going to get better. We canceled cable, we canceled the gym, we cut down our cellphone bill- what else is there? We're just, fucked. Most days we're wondering wtf we're going to eat, or how we're going to get to work the next day since we have no gas in our cars. Matt has some interviews lined up (one job he really wanted may have gotten screwed up at the last moment), and if one of them works out, it'll make life alot easier for us. Plus, I have a job possibly in the works, and if I get it, I'd be matching him in pay... and we'd me making combined... double what we make now combined... and almost 6 figures (combined). Dear god let us get these jobs!

I am also having a really rough go with wanting kids. I really want kids. Im to the point where I almost want to say to hell with it, stop my birth control and just start trying. However, seeing the above paragraph, means that is not an option. We can barely pay our mortgage as is, and adding another $X.XX per month is just not in the cards. Its very frustrating. I am getting exceptionally tired of seeing all the fun things my friends are able to do with their children. Especially around the holidays. Its REALLY hard to listen to around the holidays. Everyone going to the museum to see the trains with their kids, going to the festival of lights with their kids, driving around looking at lights, buying presents, explaining things besides presents they should be thankful for- its very hard to watch everyone around you, doing the things you want to do, but do not have the option of. I have friends who are newly pregnant, and overjoyed to be so (rightfully so), but watching her constant updates about pregnancy, and how excited she is, and all the things she cant wait to do- makes everything unbearable. Receiving pictures of everyone's children as xmas cars, makes getting the mail unbearable. Its got nothing to do with me not being happy for other people. Its got nothing to do with me not loving their children. Its got everything to do with me being jealous that everyone around me seems to have everything I want, and it feeling like its constantly being thrown in my face. Not by my friends, but just by the powers that be.