Being unemployed and broke leads me to an over abundance of time inside my own head. This is never a good thing. Matt often tells me "I think you think you think too much", which is a very true statement.
I thought I was going to make it all the way through this pregnancy without being one of those crazy emotional women you always see portrayed. Emotional, crying over everything, being generally hysterical or on the verge of hysterics. I apparently was incorrect.
We left on vacation a little more than a week ago, and before we had even made it out of our neighborhood, I was sobbing hysterically over leaving the dog. I maintain this was not ALL pregnancy hormone related because every time we've left her to go on vacation, Ive gotten misty eyed, it just never manifested into a full on sobbing session.
Then, immediately upon arrival at our vacation destination, I had not eaten in more than 12 hours (not good for being 6 months pregnant.) We dont usually eat fast food, but Matts parents were grocery shopping, it was late, and I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier each passing second- so we went to Wendys. I ordered 2 Jr Bacon Cheeseburgers. We waited and waited and finally the woman comes to the window and says "sorry, we're out of bacon so we're making more, it will just be a few min." So we pull up away from the window and wait. 20 min go by and I start sobbing hysterically that I have to wait for this bacon and these sandwiches when all I want to do is be out of the car. Thats when I knew for sure it was hormones and laughed at how incredibly stupid I sounded. Luckily I have an awesome husband that knows just when to keep other people away from me so I dont verbally assault them.
Unfortunately, these horrible hormones have also caused me to slop into a really stupid cycle of depression and over thinking that can only be cured with time and some stalking. I know that sounds nuts, but its true. Something Matt said on our vacation (a bit of over sharing on his part) has led me down a rabbit hole of too much thinking and delving into things that dont need to be delved into. Its causing me to bring up things from the past that are better left alone. Things that no one is thinking of but me, and if I bring them up, could cause feelings in others that dont need to be brought up. Unfortunately, for me there is possibly no closure in this situation, and may never be. It not my past and its not really got anything to do with me, but I cant get it out of my head. Thats something that weighs on anyone, especially a hormonal crazy pregnant person. And another thing that sucks, is if I were to talk to anyone about it, I would surely go into hysterics and scare the shit out of them. Crying like an infant.
All I know is, Im so over being hormonal. While I've never been a super happy person ( definitely have my spells of super happy, but they are dotted with spells of suicidal depression.) but Ive definitely never dwelled on this subject until now, and I dont like it weighing on my mind with the impending new arrival. I feel like I should be happier ALL the time, and not just here and there.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Dont use Comic Sans
I woke up in the middle of the night last night in the most horrid pain of my life. Ive had kidney stones, gall stones, sprained ankles and bruised tail bones, and I would take ANY of that again over the pain I had last night. I would rather go through natural, unmedicated labor and delivery than go through the pain I did last night ever again. It felt like my arm was bring ripped off my body at the shoulder. There was nothing I could do to make it stop or dull it. I tried to lay it down and take all pressure off of it, that didnt help, I tried to prop it up on my side, that did nothing. Finally I put an ice pack on it held in place by a pillow, and after that for over an hour, it dulled enough to allow me to move it from the elbow down. At least it was something. That allowed me to get a few hours of sleep and not waste 100s of dollars going to the ER. I went to the doctor at 8am thinking he was going to tell me it was just a pinched nerve, but apparently it was a bit of a bigger deal than that. I tore the muscle that holds your arm in place. Its a mild tear, but the usual treatments involves a cortisol shot, and strong pain killers, that since Im pregnant, are not an option. So I was sent home with instructions to ice it all the time and make sure to still use the arm. Apparently should I NOT use the arm, the muscle could heal incorrectly and I could get "frozen arm" where I would lose some of the mobility of my arm that couldnt be corrected without surgery. Luckily after icing it all day, the pain has begun to subside, thank god! I couldnt go another night in that much pain!
I still dont know what to do about a name for this baby should it be a girl. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Boys are already proving to be easier!
I still dont know what to do about a name for this baby should it be a girl. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Boys are already proving to be easier!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Lazy Sunday
Pretty good day today, didnt really do much. Matt and I decided this was a prefect day to do absolutely nothing. It was supposed to rain, but apparently the weathermen in this town are completely worthless, but relaxing was it ever. We dont have too many of these lazy days left in our future so we are trying to use them when we can.
We watched half of the second season of Orange is the new Black and did some laundry. We just nibbled on randomness all day and he made Spaghetti for dinner. My stomach did not appreciate it, but I did.
Every time I see the scene in Despicable Me where the girls go back to the orphanage, I get misty eyed. So depressing.
I wanted to get things done around the house in the coming weeks, but it appears that our brokeness has caught up with us much sooner than anticipated. So basically Im stuck here with no gas, low on food, and nothing to do but play with the dog and watch TV.
Heres to the long boring week ahead!
We watched half of the second season of Orange is the new Black and did some laundry. We just nibbled on randomness all day and he made Spaghetti for dinner. My stomach did not appreciate it, but I did.
Every time I see the scene in Despicable Me where the girls go back to the orphanage, I get misty eyed. So depressing.
I wanted to get things done around the house in the coming weeks, but it appears that our brokeness has caught up with us much sooner than anticipated. So basically Im stuck here with no gas, low on food, and nothing to do but play with the dog and watch TV.
Heres to the long boring week ahead!
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Ramblings
On April 4th we found out I am pregnant. Best news ever. This is shortly after they told us that the fertility meds were not working and I was possibly going to have to try something else. Good news, Good News.
One of the first things my mom said when she found out I was pregnant was "Well, dont gain too much weight!" Always pleasant that one.
Few things Ive learned in my short 4 months of pregnancy so far:
Women that say they love being pregnant are liars or need to have their heads examined.
9 months is wayy to long to wait for something for someone as impatient as myself.
RLS, Heartburn, Indigestion, cramps, constipation and nausea are the worst things ever.
Finding a Mamaroo used, is like pulling teeth.
My husband is awesome, sometimes completely unintentionally.
I have no idea what to name the baby if its a girl. No clue what-so-ever.
Im pretty sure its a girl.
Either sex Im sure will be blonde haired, Blue eyed, and have curls. I can already picture it.
Im pretty desperate to move lately. I am just so tired of it all. So very tired. The west side sucks, most of Cincinnati sucks. The poverty rate in Cincinnati is obscenely high, and statistically, whatever class you are born into in Cincinnati, you will be your entire life. The chance to better your standings are almost nill here (true story, look it up.) Really, Im pretty done with this country in general. You cant move anywhere here without being in almost constant danger. A woman beat a child with a tire iron at a Walmart in New Mexico (I think thats where it was) just because the child was Asian American. The shootings in Seattle, California, Colorado, Connecticut, you name it. Guns dont kill people, Americans kill people. In Canada, most everyone has a hunting gun, yet gun deaths are that much lower. In Sweden, everyone has to join the military at a specific age. They all take their guns with them when they are done. So every man in Sweden has an automatic rifle in his closet, and they have a nearly nill death rate. So why do Americans all feel the need to shoot anything that moves? Because Americans are stupid. I want out of this country. My dad is trying to get shipped to Europe, and I have told my husband, my mother, and anyone that will listen, that if that were to happen, we would be moving with them without question. I can deal with my mother if need be. Especially for the sake of Western Europe.
If you ever need to feel really bad about yourself, Just make sure you're unemployed, usually too sick or tired to clean up around the house and make dinner, and have no chance of being employed for roughly the next year. Dont shower till the sun goes down, and dont leave the house for a minimum of 3 weeks. Also, a few other things: Read the blog of someone you life envy, pref someone that gets to travel incessantly. Check the Instagram and Facebook of someone that is getting everything that you've ever wanted... and to top it all off, they are sweet as pie. I mean, cant they at least be bitchy so you can hate them? Nope. Rather, they have to be happy and grateful and super awesome so you feel nothing but happy for them. It will make you feel even worse about yourself. I mean, c'mon, at least LET me hate you. Gah!
Im really trying not to let things like the aforementioned to affect me. I have a lot to be happy about right now, and its absolutely awesome. But just because you have things to be happy about, doesnt mean the chemical imbalance in your brain is going to go "Oh, well thats awesome, let me correct myself right quick so you can enjoy it!" Rather, you feel more miserable BECAUSE you feel depressed when good things are happening to you. For example: Im pregnant after 2 years of trying, I have a house and I can afford food most days *not always*. I have a handful of good friends, and a select group of best friends. Matt got a new job (finally) with better pay. Nothing to feel bad about except the size and current condition of my house. But I find myself feeling bad that a) Im poor as balls, b) my wardrobe leave everything to be desired c) B is partially due to my weight d) that this house is beyond tiny and we out grew it years ago, and with the new addition to the family, its just going to get worse. e) that I am not more traveled, which is a direct result of A.
Trying to stay optimistic, things are going to be awesome. Im going to finish school, get a job at P&G and everything will work out the way I want it to in the end. Right?
One of the first things my mom said when she found out I was pregnant was "Well, dont gain too much weight!" Always pleasant that one.
Few things Ive learned in my short 4 months of pregnancy so far:
Women that say they love being pregnant are liars or need to have their heads examined.
9 months is wayy to long to wait for something for someone as impatient as myself.
RLS, Heartburn, Indigestion, cramps, constipation and nausea are the worst things ever.
Finding a Mamaroo used, is like pulling teeth.
My husband is awesome, sometimes completely unintentionally.
I have no idea what to name the baby if its a girl. No clue what-so-ever.
Im pretty sure its a girl.
Either sex Im sure will be blonde haired, Blue eyed, and have curls. I can already picture it.
Im pretty desperate to move lately. I am just so tired of it all. So very tired. The west side sucks, most of Cincinnati sucks. The poverty rate in Cincinnati is obscenely high, and statistically, whatever class you are born into in Cincinnati, you will be your entire life. The chance to better your standings are almost nill here (true story, look it up.) Really, Im pretty done with this country in general. You cant move anywhere here without being in almost constant danger. A woman beat a child with a tire iron at a Walmart in New Mexico (I think thats where it was) just because the child was Asian American. The shootings in Seattle, California, Colorado, Connecticut, you name it. Guns dont kill people, Americans kill people. In Canada, most everyone has a hunting gun, yet gun deaths are that much lower. In Sweden, everyone has to join the military at a specific age. They all take their guns with them when they are done. So every man in Sweden has an automatic rifle in his closet, and they have a nearly nill death rate. So why do Americans all feel the need to shoot anything that moves? Because Americans are stupid. I want out of this country. My dad is trying to get shipped to Europe, and I have told my husband, my mother, and anyone that will listen, that if that were to happen, we would be moving with them without question. I can deal with my mother if need be. Especially for the sake of Western Europe.
If you ever need to feel really bad about yourself, Just make sure you're unemployed, usually too sick or tired to clean up around the house and make dinner, and have no chance of being employed for roughly the next year. Dont shower till the sun goes down, and dont leave the house for a minimum of 3 weeks. Also, a few other things: Read the blog of someone you life envy, pref someone that gets to travel incessantly. Check the Instagram and Facebook of someone that is getting everything that you've ever wanted... and to top it all off, they are sweet as pie. I mean, cant they at least be bitchy so you can hate them? Nope. Rather, they have to be happy and grateful and super awesome so you feel nothing but happy for them. It will make you feel even worse about yourself. I mean, c'mon, at least LET me hate you. Gah!
Im really trying not to let things like the aforementioned to affect me. I have a lot to be happy about right now, and its absolutely awesome. But just because you have things to be happy about, doesnt mean the chemical imbalance in your brain is going to go "Oh, well thats awesome, let me correct myself right quick so you can enjoy it!" Rather, you feel more miserable BECAUSE you feel depressed when good things are happening to you. For example: Im pregnant after 2 years of trying, I have a house and I can afford food most days *not always*. I have a handful of good friends, and a select group of best friends. Matt got a new job (finally) with better pay. Nothing to feel bad about except the size and current condition of my house. But I find myself feeling bad that a) Im poor as balls, b) my wardrobe leave everything to be desired c) B is partially due to my weight d) that this house is beyond tiny and we out grew it years ago, and with the new addition to the family, its just going to get worse. e) that I am not more traveled, which is a direct result of A.
Trying to stay optimistic, things are going to be awesome. Im going to finish school, get a job at P&G and everything will work out the way I want it to in the end. Right?
Sunday, January 5, 2014
If a mid life crisis isnt so bad, why do they call it a crisis?!
So much to say, so little time.
I hate religion. I hate the religious. Not all of them, I know many christians that are good people that do not judge. However, it feels like the "sins of the few" outweigh "the blessings of the many". I know there are good Christians out there, just as there are bad ones. There are good people like Jasmine, Meghyn, Katie, Sarah, and a few others. People that follow what their book tells them, and does not interpret their own version of who is right and who is wrong. You can interpret things in your own words (Like Meghyn, you said you wonder if you should pray about things that you fail at, rather than always things you are thankful for. Its your own interpretation of what religion means.) And thats ok. Awesome. Not only are you thankful for enough things in life that you have something to pray about, but you are also trying to make yourself better. Many props for that. My issue is the people that have never once set foot in a soup kitchen (like it says to help the poor in the Bible) but were more than willing to run to Chick-fil-a and promote hate and bigotry. The "christians" who are more than willing to hate on gays and take away their rights, but are not willing to lose any of their "rights" and will have a melt down if those are challenged (even though they are not their rights). (Ex: they think its their right to stop gay marriage, but not the gays right to get married. Figure that one out. They think its OK to sponsor a war in a country that has nothing to do with terrorism against us and kill many innocent people, including our own... but not ok to have to provide birth control for women across the country, that need it for reasons other than prevention of birth.) Now all this stupid fucking Duck person show. I was forced to watch an episode or 2 when I worked at the airport, so Im not completely unfamiliar with it. But everyone is up in arms about "his freedom of speech" and "Christian values". Not only does this man spout hate and bigotry, he also spouts racism. Comparing African Americans to white trash, and saying they have never experienced a hardship because he never heard about it from the horses mouth. Its the Christians rallying around this piece of shit that give the decent Christians in the world a bad name. I really do believe religion divides far more than it unites.
That ended up being far longer than I thought it would be, and honestly has litte to do with the reason I wanted to write this blog.
I started taking Clomid recently. I realize it is going to probably take us months to get pregnant, and thats ok. Ive made peace with that. It will all happen eventually.
The clomid has certainly given me mood swings. I go from calm and content to raging mega bitch and back in under 40 seconds. Its a rather impressive thing. Im trying not to think too much about it. However, I warned Matt that these side effects were well on their way before we began this process. I told him he just needs to imagine that Im already pregnant because anything and everything will end up setting me off.- and it does. We've had conversations about this before. Many times we've discussed that when I get pregnant, he just needs to agree with me, not be confrontational, and just learn to deal with it for a few weeks or months since its nothing I can control. The Clomid is kinda turning out to be a a good test for how he would do in those times... and it turn out he is failing miserably. Any time I get upset and start to yell, he starts to scream over me. Screaming about "WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!" which only makes me all the more upset. He will argue with me over everything (he was arguing with me earlier over that fucking Duck people show, even though hes never seen it, and Ive seen a few episodes.I seems minimal, and it IS minimal, but the point is, these are just almost like unintentional testers. They are sporadic at best and only last for a few min, so whats going to happen when it goes on for months? It really worries me because when I'm really upset and pushed into a corner, the teenie tiny little filter I have flies right out the window and anything can shoot out of my mouth. Ive told him a hundred times that it freaks me out that we may end up divorced as a result of my being pregnant and him not trying to keep me sane. I dont feel like Im asking much. I am going to be hormonal and crazy, and thats just how it works, and hes going to need to learn to work with it, and help me out. Screaming back at me only makes it worse.
Thinking about the future and its possibilities also makes me really sad. I look a things that other people get/do/have, and while I dont consider it jealousy, it kinda is. Take my sister in law for example. She had 3 baby showers. One at work, one with Matts family, and one with her family. She may have had a separate one with just her friends, but I have no idea, I only know the 3 for sure. While thats great for her and all, and as selfish as it sounds, it makes me sad for how my shower will turn out. I work with all men. There are only 4 women at work, and we see each other less than 10 min total per day. I really dont think there will be any sort of shower there, nor should they be obligated to do so. It would just be nice. Then it comes to my family and friends. This is where it almost becomes a joke. I have a cousin that Ive always gotten along with, but heres the thing... while Ive got to or been a part of every major event in her life (Bridal shower, Bachelorette party, In her wedding, Baby Shower, and then never missed her daughters birthday parties) She skipped MY bridal shower, Bachelorette party, and didnt show up until the last hour of my wedding. Am I really going to expect her to show up to my baby shower? Especially now that she just popped out her third kid? Yea, I'll hold my breath. My aunt would probably show up, but merely to relay shower information to my mom (if she isnt there) and to my cousin (if SHE isnt there). But since my grandma passed away, my other cousins are looney, and the rest of my family lives in another country, I dont really have any family to attend a shower for me. When it comes to friends, I have very few. Maybe 30, that would be invited.... and if its anything like my bridal shower or bachelorette party, maybe 5 will show up? I realize this sounds really selfish, but in all honesty, I dont care about the gifts, its not about that at all. For me its much more about having the support system. Having, quite possibly the most unsupportive mother on the planet and no sisters, I dont have a huge support system, and it seems like everyone around me does. Call it jealousy if you must, but to me its more like hunger. Like Im lacking a basic human need thats impossible for me to fill myself.
I recently had a cousin from another country delete me from Facebook. I was honestly a little shocked, and it was quite hurtful, especially when I found out why. According to her brother, she deleted me because she doesnt like the family drama (which, hasnt even been mentioned for months) and because I share too much on facebook.
Ok first of all, the Family drama hasnt been mentioned in months because I havent really spoken to my family in months. Its better that way. My family is nuts, and most recently my mother got nasty with me on the phone claiming she 'knows' my brother didnt get his job back at FexEx because of me running my mouth, because she 'knows' how I am. ok a) They didnt hire Jake because in his interview he was talking shit about a GM to another GM... b) they didnt hire him back because he has an awful reputation for being an arrogant, rude, piece of shit. c) They didnt hire him back because he was clearly screwing his boss and everyone knew it. Thats why he was so arrogant and got away with everything. No one wants to deal with him.
Second of all, yes, I share a lot on Facebook. If you dont like it, dont read it. Block my updates. Whatever. But dont judge me for what an overwhelming majority of Americans do. The dutch (and probably many many other countries) dont use social media in the same way they we do. There is nothing wrong with that. But I dont judge them for not using it enough, so why am I allowed to be judged for using it too much?
Plus, if she didnt like the family drama, doesnt it seem like she should have deleted the entire family? She didnt. She only deleted me. So she basically didnt do it for the family drama, she chose a side. And in situations like this, why chose sides?
And lastly, if its something to do with my bitching on Facebook, Ive tried to squander that lately. I doubt anyone has noticed, but Ive tried to not nearly as much in the last 2 months. And I feel like she should take a look at her own life, and realize how charmed it is. She has been dating an optometrist for the last 10 years, so money isnt an issue for her. She went to school and got a degree for a grand total of like 8k (we pay that per semester here depending on the amount of classes you take and where you go) and she goes on 5 major vacations a year, where as I havent really had a single decent vacation in almost 5 years. (the last good one we had as Colorado in 2010). Shes gone on a tropical scuba vacation a least 5 times in the last 2 years, not to mention places like Rome and France and where ever else she has gone. You'll have to forgive me if Im not a fucking ray of sunshine all the goddamn time when all I do is work a thankless job in the freezing ass cold or sweltering ass heat, all while going to school at the same time, and trying to maintain a marriage.
Ive been staving off some obsenely major depression the last few weeks, and this in no way shape of form, helped. Im feeling so down that last night my eyes were bloodshot from my forcing them to remain open. Im so depressed its hard to force myself off the couch.
Im just so over it. Im over being judged by everyone else for the shit they either do themselves, or shit they couldnt understand if they tried.
I hate religion. I hate the religious. Not all of them, I know many christians that are good people that do not judge. However, it feels like the "sins of the few" outweigh "the blessings of the many". I know there are good Christians out there, just as there are bad ones. There are good people like Jasmine, Meghyn, Katie, Sarah, and a few others. People that follow what their book tells them, and does not interpret their own version of who is right and who is wrong. You can interpret things in your own words (Like Meghyn, you said you wonder if you should pray about things that you fail at, rather than always things you are thankful for. Its your own interpretation of what religion means.) And thats ok. Awesome. Not only are you thankful for enough things in life that you have something to pray about, but you are also trying to make yourself better. Many props for that. My issue is the people that have never once set foot in a soup kitchen (like it says to help the poor in the Bible) but were more than willing to run to Chick-fil-a and promote hate and bigotry. The "christians" who are more than willing to hate on gays and take away their rights, but are not willing to lose any of their "rights" and will have a melt down if those are challenged (even though they are not their rights). (Ex: they think its their right to stop gay marriage, but not the gays right to get married. Figure that one out. They think its OK to sponsor a war in a country that has nothing to do with terrorism against us and kill many innocent people, including our own... but not ok to have to provide birth control for women across the country, that need it for reasons other than prevention of birth.) Now all this stupid fucking Duck person show. I was forced to watch an episode or 2 when I worked at the airport, so Im not completely unfamiliar with it. But everyone is up in arms about "his freedom of speech" and "Christian values". Not only does this man spout hate and bigotry, he also spouts racism. Comparing African Americans to white trash, and saying they have never experienced a hardship because he never heard about it from the horses mouth. Its the Christians rallying around this piece of shit that give the decent Christians in the world a bad name. I really do believe religion divides far more than it unites.
That ended up being far longer than I thought it would be, and honestly has litte to do with the reason I wanted to write this blog.
I started taking Clomid recently. I realize it is going to probably take us months to get pregnant, and thats ok. Ive made peace with that. It will all happen eventually.
The clomid has certainly given me mood swings. I go from calm and content to raging mega bitch and back in under 40 seconds. Its a rather impressive thing. Im trying not to think too much about it. However, I warned Matt that these side effects were well on their way before we began this process. I told him he just needs to imagine that Im already pregnant because anything and everything will end up setting me off.- and it does. We've had conversations about this before. Many times we've discussed that when I get pregnant, he just needs to agree with me, not be confrontational, and just learn to deal with it for a few weeks or months since its nothing I can control. The Clomid is kinda turning out to be a a good test for how he would do in those times... and it turn out he is failing miserably. Any time I get upset and start to yell, he starts to scream over me. Screaming about "WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!" which only makes me all the more upset. He will argue with me over everything (he was arguing with me earlier over that fucking Duck people show, even though hes never seen it, and Ive seen a few episodes.I seems minimal, and it IS minimal, but the point is, these are just almost like unintentional testers. They are sporadic at best and only last for a few min, so whats going to happen when it goes on for months? It really worries me because when I'm really upset and pushed into a corner, the teenie tiny little filter I have flies right out the window and anything can shoot out of my mouth. Ive told him a hundred times that it freaks me out that we may end up divorced as a result of my being pregnant and him not trying to keep me sane. I dont feel like Im asking much. I am going to be hormonal and crazy, and thats just how it works, and hes going to need to learn to work with it, and help me out. Screaming back at me only makes it worse.
Thinking about the future and its possibilities also makes me really sad. I look a things that other people get/do/have, and while I dont consider it jealousy, it kinda is. Take my sister in law for example. She had 3 baby showers. One at work, one with Matts family, and one with her family. She may have had a separate one with just her friends, but I have no idea, I only know the 3 for sure. While thats great for her and all, and as selfish as it sounds, it makes me sad for how my shower will turn out. I work with all men. There are only 4 women at work, and we see each other less than 10 min total per day. I really dont think there will be any sort of shower there, nor should they be obligated to do so. It would just be nice. Then it comes to my family and friends. This is where it almost becomes a joke. I have a cousin that Ive always gotten along with, but heres the thing... while Ive got to or been a part of every major event in her life (Bridal shower, Bachelorette party, In her wedding, Baby Shower, and then never missed her daughters birthday parties) She skipped MY bridal shower, Bachelorette party, and didnt show up until the last hour of my wedding. Am I really going to expect her to show up to my baby shower? Especially now that she just popped out her third kid? Yea, I'll hold my breath. My aunt would probably show up, but merely to relay shower information to my mom (if she isnt there) and to my cousin (if SHE isnt there). But since my grandma passed away, my other cousins are looney, and the rest of my family lives in another country, I dont really have any family to attend a shower for me. When it comes to friends, I have very few. Maybe 30, that would be invited.... and if its anything like my bridal shower or bachelorette party, maybe 5 will show up? I realize this sounds really selfish, but in all honesty, I dont care about the gifts, its not about that at all. For me its much more about having the support system. Having, quite possibly the most unsupportive mother on the planet and no sisters, I dont have a huge support system, and it seems like everyone around me does. Call it jealousy if you must, but to me its more like hunger. Like Im lacking a basic human need thats impossible for me to fill myself.
I recently had a cousin from another country delete me from Facebook. I was honestly a little shocked, and it was quite hurtful, especially when I found out why. According to her brother, she deleted me because she doesnt like the family drama (which, hasnt even been mentioned for months) and because I share too much on facebook.
Ok first of all, the Family drama hasnt been mentioned in months because I havent really spoken to my family in months. Its better that way. My family is nuts, and most recently my mother got nasty with me on the phone claiming she 'knows' my brother didnt get his job back at FexEx because of me running my mouth, because she 'knows' how I am. ok a) They didnt hire Jake because in his interview he was talking shit about a GM to another GM... b) they didnt hire him back because he has an awful reputation for being an arrogant, rude, piece of shit. c) They didnt hire him back because he was clearly screwing his boss and everyone knew it. Thats why he was so arrogant and got away with everything. No one wants to deal with him.
Second of all, yes, I share a lot on Facebook. If you dont like it, dont read it. Block my updates. Whatever. But dont judge me for what an overwhelming majority of Americans do. The dutch (and probably many many other countries) dont use social media in the same way they we do. There is nothing wrong with that. But I dont judge them for not using it enough, so why am I allowed to be judged for using it too much?
Plus, if she didnt like the family drama, doesnt it seem like she should have deleted the entire family? She didnt. She only deleted me. So she basically didnt do it for the family drama, she chose a side. And in situations like this, why chose sides?
And lastly, if its something to do with my bitching on Facebook, Ive tried to squander that lately. I doubt anyone has noticed, but Ive tried to not nearly as much in the last 2 months. And I feel like she should take a look at her own life, and realize how charmed it is. She has been dating an optometrist for the last 10 years, so money isnt an issue for her. She went to school and got a degree for a grand total of like 8k (we pay that per semester here depending on the amount of classes you take and where you go) and she goes on 5 major vacations a year, where as I havent really had a single decent vacation in almost 5 years. (the last good one we had as Colorado in 2010). Shes gone on a tropical scuba vacation a least 5 times in the last 2 years, not to mention places like Rome and France and where ever else she has gone. You'll have to forgive me if Im not a fucking ray of sunshine all the goddamn time when all I do is work a thankless job in the freezing ass cold or sweltering ass heat, all while going to school at the same time, and trying to maintain a marriage.
Ive been staving off some obsenely major depression the last few weeks, and this in no way shape of form, helped. Im feeling so down that last night my eyes were bloodshot from my forcing them to remain open. Im so depressed its hard to force myself off the couch.
Im just so over it. Im over being judged by everyone else for the shit they either do themselves, or shit they couldnt understand if they tried.
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