::jazz hands:: and many mmoorreee

Having a hard time lately. I think its because I have too much time to think. Once our gym memberships come through, it should get a little easier. 


I think part of my problem is we are in a rut. I am used to having something to plan ahead for. When we were dating I was saving up, and gathering things for when we bought a house. When we moved, we didnt need a thing because I had been hoarding for 2 years. Then, I got to plan the wedding for 2 years (part of which was simultaneous with the hoarding), so that kept me occupied. Then when we moved into the house, we had all sorts of home projects to keep me busy. Now what?

We still have alot of home projects, but we are out of money to complete them. 

I know you are thinking "well have a baby." a) bite me. b) we dont have the money for a baby. Now I know you are thinking "you cant wait till you have money to have a baby". Well, let me just say to you- there is a difference between "I cant afford to get a manicure" broke, and "Im having trouble paying the mortgage" broke. Guess which we are? It would be nothing short of selfish of us to have a baby right now just because we want one. We cant even afford to buy it the basics. We cant even afford gas for our cars to get to work most days. Not that it should matter, because I would have to quit my job anyway. So we would be even more screwed. 

I just feel very lost. I want to move to Colorado, but I want to buy an old building in OTR and renovate it, and make the storefront a small furniture shop of old stuff I find around town, fix up, and sell. I want to be a teacher, I want to be a news anchor, I want to have a baby. I just dont know what to do. And the sad part is, it all revolves around money. 

I hate money.

Peanut Butters and Pain

So far tonight Ive injured myself like 5 times. Several rusty nail impaling incidents... but then one accident so hilarious, and hurt so bad, I didnt know weather to laugh, or cry. I... actually... stepped on a pitchfork in the dark and the handle hit me in the head. Yes. It really does happen. Yes. It hurts like hell. Yes. I have a knot on my forehead.

 Since we took the deck out of the yard, we have these 3 foot deep, square holes in the yard where the posts were. (if you are wondering why they were square, its because they werent cemented in, just merely stuck in the ground). Yesterday, Violet took her Peanut Butters (her Kong toy. Her baby.) and dropped it in one of these holes. She then became very upset that she couldnt reach it. So she started to try to dig it out. Every scrape- pushed more dirt into the hole on TOP of the the Peanut Butter. We didnt notice until she was digging in the yard but figured that was the situation. We looked in the hole, dug a bit, found nothing. So we filled the hole. All day today, she kept going back to that spot in the yard and crying. So, 12:30 this evening, I walked my happy ass out there, no light, shovel in hand (after the pitchfork incident) and dug a 1 foot wide, by 3.5 foot deep hole, and low and behold, there was the peanut butters. Buried alive. Then I took it in the house and washed it- Violet standing on her hind legs to see in the kitchen sink to make sure I didnt hurt it- then she took it, got in our bed, and snuggled it under the covers..... Oh the things I wont do for my fur babies. :o) <3 font="font">

nostalgia

I was looking at old LiveJournal entries from when I was all of 17 years old. Most of them being about my parents or about my horrible ex boyfriend (before he turned horrible.) Its all teenage rambling and nonsense... but it still makes me kinda sad. I feel like I had passion back then. Like I had fun. I feel like I'm not passionate about anything anymore. Its like I turned myself off. I cant remember the last time I felt SO strongly about anything really. Back then it was like I had fun all the time. I don't remember the last time I came home and had such a fun time that I had to shout it from the rooftops. Its kinda depressing. I feel like at some point I just shut down. I don't remember doing it, I don't know when it started, and I don't know how to turn it back on. The only thing I feel passionately anymore is my need to  leave Cincinnati.... and now that I think about it, its probably because- deep down- I'm looking for something to awaken my senses again. Maybe that has something to do with my baby fever too. I need something to kick me in the face and tell me to wake up! I feel like I'm dead inside and all I do is go through the motions to make it to another day. I dunno. I just want to feel like I feel things again.

Note: I am NOT pregnant

But I do have babies on the brain. In the worst way.

Im really doing this for my own benefit so I can remember them later
but here is my current baby names list.

Girls

Susanna

Mae

Paige

Mollie

Hadley

Lacey

I was looking at names inspired by fall and they had the name Maple... I kinda like it.

Ruby

Julia

Josephine 

Elliot

Lucy

Boys:

Asher

Hunter

Peter

Kale

Baylor

Cillian

Simon

Miles

Milo

Max

Noah

Otto

Abraham

Oh Susanna, dont you cry for me.

I had a VERY bad mental health day today. I cried, a lot.