Ramblings

On April 4th we found out I am pregnant. Best news ever. This is shortly after they told us that the fertility meds were not working and I was possibly going to have to try something else. Good news, Good News.

One of the first things my mom said when she found out I was pregnant was "Well, dont gain too much weight!" Always pleasant that one.
 
Few things Ive learned in my short 4 months of pregnancy so far: 

Women that say they love being pregnant are liars or need to have their heads examined.

9 months is wayy to long to wait for something for someone as impatient as myself.

RLS, Heartburn, Indigestion, cramps, constipation and nausea are the worst things ever.

Finding a Mamaroo used, is like pulling teeth.

My husband is awesome, sometimes completely unintentionally.

I have no idea what to name the baby if its a girl. No clue what-so-ever.

Im pretty sure its a girl.

Either sex Im sure will be blonde haired, Blue eyed, and have curls. I can already picture it. 

Im pretty desperate to move lately. I am just so tired of it all. So very tired. The west side sucks, most of Cincinnati sucks. The poverty rate in Cincinnati is obscenely high, and statistically, whatever class you are born into in Cincinnati, you will be your entire life. The chance to better your standings are almost nill here (true story, look it up.)  Really, Im pretty done with this country in general. You cant move anywhere here without being in almost constant danger. A woman beat a child with a tire iron at a Walmart in New Mexico (I think thats where it was) just because the child was Asian American. The shootings in Seattle, California, Colorado, Connecticut, you name it. Guns dont kill people, Americans kill people. In Canada, most everyone has a hunting gun, yet gun deaths are that much lower. In Sweden, everyone has to join the military at a specific age. They all take their guns with them when they are done. So every man in Sweden has an automatic rifle in his closet, and they have a nearly nill death rate. So why do Americans all feel the need to shoot anything that moves? Because Americans are stupid. I want out of this country. My dad is trying to get shipped to Europe, and I have told my husband, my mother, and anyone that will listen, that if that were to happen, we would be moving with them without question. I can deal with my mother if need be. Especially for the sake of Western Europe.

If you ever need to feel really bad about yourself, Just make sure you're unemployed, usually too sick or tired to clean up around the house and make dinner, and have no chance of being employed for roughly the next year. Dont shower till the sun goes down, and dont leave the house for a minimum of 3 weeks. Also, a few other things: Read the blog of someone you life envy, pref someone that gets to travel incessantly. Check the Instagram and Facebook of someone that is getting everything that you've ever wanted... and to top it all off, they are sweet as pie. I mean, cant they at least be bitchy so you can hate them? Nope. Rather, they have to be happy and grateful and super awesome so you feel nothing but happy for them. It will make you feel even worse about yourself. I mean, c'mon, at least LET me hate you. Gah!

 Im really trying not to let things like the aforementioned to affect me. I have a lot to be happy about right now, and its absolutely awesome. But just because you have things to be happy about, doesnt mean the chemical imbalance in your brain is going to go "Oh, well thats awesome, let me correct myself right quick so you can enjoy it!" Rather, you feel more miserable BECAUSE you feel depressed when good things are happening to you. For example: Im pregnant after 2 years of trying, I have a house and I can afford food most days *not always*. I have a handful of good friends, and a select group of best friends.  Matt got a new job (finally) with better pay. Nothing to feel bad about except the size and current condition of my house. But I find myself feeling bad that a) Im poor as balls, b) my wardrobe leave everything to be desired c) B is partially due to my weight d) that this house is beyond tiny and we out grew it years ago, and with the new addition to the family, its just going to get worse. e) that I am not more traveled, which is a direct result of A.

Trying to stay optimistic, things are going to be awesome. Im going to finish school, get a job at P&G and everything will work out the way I want it to in the end. Right?