So much to say, so little time.
I hate religion. I hate the religious. Not all of them, I know many christians that are good people that do not judge. However, it feels like the "sins of the few" outweigh "the blessings of the many". I know there are good Christians out there, just as there are bad ones. There are good people like Jasmine, Meghyn, Katie, Sarah, and a few others. People that follow what their book tells them, and does not interpret their own version of who is right and who is wrong. You can interpret things in your own words (Like Meghyn, you said you wonder if you should pray about things that you fail at, rather than always things you are thankful for. Its your own interpretation of what religion means.) And thats ok. Awesome. Not only are you thankful for enough things in life that you have something to pray about, but you are also trying to make yourself better. Many props for that. My issue is the people that have never once set foot in a soup kitchen (like it says to help the poor in the Bible) but were more than willing to run to Chick-fil-a and promote hate and bigotry. The "christians" who are more than willing to hate on gays and take away their rights, but are not willing to lose any of their "rights" and will have a melt down if those are challenged (even though they are not their rights). (Ex: they think its their right to stop gay marriage, but not the gays right to get married. Figure that one out. They think its OK to sponsor a war in a country that has nothing to do with terrorism against us and kill many innocent people, including our own... but not ok to have to provide birth control for women across the country, that need it for reasons other than prevention of birth.) Now all this stupid fucking Duck person show. I was forced to watch an episode or 2 when I worked at the airport, so Im not completely unfamiliar with it. But everyone is up in arms about "his freedom of speech" and "Christian values". Not only does this man spout hate and bigotry, he also spouts racism. Comparing African Americans to white trash, and saying they have never experienced a hardship because he never heard about it from the horses mouth. Its the Christians rallying around this piece of shit that give the decent Christians in the world a bad name. I really do believe religion divides far more than it unites.
That ended up being far longer than I thought it would be, and honestly has litte to do with the reason I wanted to write this blog.
I started taking Clomid recently. I realize it is going to probably take us months to get pregnant, and thats ok. Ive made peace with that. It will all happen eventually.
The clomid has certainly given me mood swings. I go from calm and content to raging mega bitch and back in under 40 seconds. Its a rather impressive thing. Im trying not to think too much about it. However, I warned Matt that these side effects were well on their way before we began this process. I told him he just needs to imagine that Im already pregnant because anything and everything will end up setting me off.- and it does. We've had conversations about this before. Many times we've discussed that when I get pregnant, he just needs to agree with me, not be confrontational, and just learn to deal with it for a few weeks or months since its nothing I can control. The Clomid is kinda turning out to be a a good test for how he would do in those times... and it turn out he is failing miserably. Any time I get upset and start to yell, he starts to scream over me. Screaming about "WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?!" which only makes me all the more upset. He will argue with me over everything (he was arguing with me earlier over that fucking Duck people show, even though hes never seen it, and Ive seen a few episodes.I seems minimal, and it IS minimal, but the point is, these are just almost like unintentional testers. They are sporadic at best and only last for a few min, so whats going to happen when it goes on for months? It really worries me because when I'm really upset and pushed into a corner, the teenie tiny little filter I have flies right out the window and anything can shoot out of my mouth. Ive told him a hundred times that it freaks me out that we may end up divorced as a result of my being pregnant and him not trying to keep me sane. I dont feel like Im asking much. I am going to be hormonal and crazy, and thats just how it works, and hes going to need to learn to work with it, and help me out. Screaming back at me only makes it worse.
Thinking about the future and its possibilities also makes me really sad. I look a things that other people get/do/have, and while I dont consider it jealousy, it kinda is. Take my sister in law for example. She had 3 baby showers. One at work, one with Matts family, and one with her family. She may have had a separate one with just her friends, but I have no idea, I only know the 3 for sure. While thats great for her and all, and as selfish as it sounds, it makes me sad for how my shower will turn out. I work with all men. There are only 4 women at work, and we see each other less than 10 min total per day. I really dont think there will be any sort of shower there, nor should they be obligated to do so. It would just be nice. Then it comes to my family and friends. This is where it almost becomes a joke. I have a cousin that Ive always gotten along with, but heres the thing... while Ive got to or been a part of every major event in her life (Bridal shower, Bachelorette party, In her wedding, Baby Shower, and then never missed her daughters birthday parties) She skipped MY bridal shower, Bachelorette party, and didnt show up until the last hour of my wedding. Am I really going to expect her to show up to my baby shower? Especially now that she just popped out her third kid? Yea, I'll hold my breath. My aunt would probably show up, but merely to relay shower information to my mom (if she isnt there) and to my cousin (if SHE isnt there). But since my grandma passed away, my other cousins are looney, and the rest of my family lives in another country, I dont really have any family to attend a shower for me. When it comes to friends, I have very few. Maybe 30, that would be invited.... and if its anything like my bridal shower or bachelorette party, maybe 5 will show up? I realize this sounds really selfish, but in all honesty, I dont care about the gifts, its not about that at all. For me its much more about having the support system. Having, quite possibly the most unsupportive mother on the planet and no sisters, I dont have a huge support system, and it seems like everyone around me does. Call it jealousy if you must, but to me its more like hunger. Like Im lacking a basic human need thats impossible for me to fill myself.
I recently had a cousin from another country delete me from Facebook. I was honestly a little shocked, and it was quite hurtful, especially when I found out why. According to her brother, she deleted me because she doesnt like the family drama (which, hasnt even been mentioned for months) and because I share too much on facebook.
Ok first of all, the Family drama hasnt been mentioned in months because I havent really spoken to my family in months. Its better that way. My family is nuts, and most recently my mother got nasty with me on the phone claiming she 'knows' my brother didnt get his job back at FexEx because of me running my mouth, because she 'knows' how I am. ok a) They didnt hire Jake because in his interview he was talking shit about a GM to another GM... b) they didnt hire him back because he has an awful reputation for being an arrogant, rude, piece of shit. c) They didnt hire him back because he was clearly screwing his boss and everyone knew it. Thats why he was so arrogant and got away with everything. No one wants to deal with him.
Second of all, yes, I share a lot on Facebook. If you dont like it, dont read it. Block my updates. Whatever. But dont judge me for what an overwhelming majority of Americans do. The dutch (and probably many many other countries) dont use social media in the same way they we do. There is nothing wrong with that. But I dont judge them for not using it enough, so why am I allowed to be judged for using it too much?
Plus, if she didnt like the family drama, doesnt it seem like she should have deleted the entire family? She didnt. She only deleted me. So she basically didnt do it for the family drama, she chose a side. And in situations like this, why chose sides?
And lastly, if its something to do with my bitching on Facebook, Ive tried to squander that lately. I doubt anyone has noticed, but Ive tried to not nearly as much in the last 2 months. And I feel like she should take a look at her own life, and realize how charmed it is. She has been dating an optometrist for the last 10 years, so money isnt an issue for her. She went to school and got a degree for a grand total of like 8k (we pay that per semester here depending on the amount of classes you take and where you go) and she goes on 5 major vacations a year, where as I havent really had a single decent vacation in almost 5 years. (the last good one we had as Colorado in 2010). Shes gone on a tropical scuba vacation a least 5 times in the last 2 years, not to mention places like Rome and France and where ever else she has gone. You'll have to forgive me if Im not a fucking ray of sunshine all the goddamn time when all I do is work a thankless job in the freezing ass cold or sweltering ass heat, all while going to school at the same time, and trying to maintain a marriage.
Ive been staving off some obsenely major depression the last few weeks, and this in no way shape of form, helped. Im feeling so down that last night my eyes were bloodshot from my forcing them to remain open. Im so depressed its hard to force myself off the couch.
Im just so over it. Im over being judged by everyone else for the shit they either do themselves, or shit they couldnt understand if they tried.
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